Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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