I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
