Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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