He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
