i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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