Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize