just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
