If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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