from now on my penis is your penis
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
