honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
