I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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