why didn't you poke me back
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
