you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I will be naked everywhere
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
