Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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