Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
