I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
