Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize