on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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