I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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