This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You may now shotgun with the bride
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize