Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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