My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
