Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
being pregnant is like rehab
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
