god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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