brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
