omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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