I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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