any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
