im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize