belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
