Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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