Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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