i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
