I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
