he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
