I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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