If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
