I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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