lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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