My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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