Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
