I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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