I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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