is your mom at the bar?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
