Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
