I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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