I can tuck mytits in my pants
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
