I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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