Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
