Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
