we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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