You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
