I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
