i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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