so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
