Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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