Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
