Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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