I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
