dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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