Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
