remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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