The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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