If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize